I realized that there is absolutely no hope whatsoever in this world, the day it dawned on me that the justice system is compromised globally, and that the filthy rich will always have their way, in matters of life and dignity. This was around two years after my marriage – in 2003. Prior to that, I already knew that life is extremely difficult; because I saw my parents struggle to raise me and my sibling. I was happy that I found a woman who is suffering from chronic epilepsy, and desired to become my spouse. My reasoning was that, since my marriage partner is epileptic, childbirth will be a risky affair, and it would be wonderful not to increase my suffering by creating kids.
Although I was literally assaulted by my mother, during childhood, to get good grades at school, I somehow managed to gain some knowledge about the world. But, I hated the fact that I have to prove that I imbibed all that knowledge and more, by overtaking my other classmates in the final examination results, which are primarily determined by the rote learning method. When the term of my formal education as an undergrad student ended – although I did not complete the necessarily “exams” required to fulfill the course requirement – it finally dawned on me that I have to now earn money to survive. The feeling was like – the free-trial period of my life just ended!
While I was pondering about what career choice would give me a source of income, so that I can plan my livelihood until death, I thought that I should get clarity about one big nagging question that was troubling me since my brain began to comprehend stuff. That plaguing question was – Does god exist? I wanted a convincing answer to this question because I wanted to know if I can expect some justice, at least after death, if I am cheated and exploited by the world, while slogging it all out in this “work to survive” existence. Since my parents were deeply religious they gladly consented, when I told them that I am interested in pursuing a graduation program in a seminary. Soon after joining the program I realized that this so called “graduation degree” is not recognized by the government of India, the country in which I was birthed, and continue to live. However, the quality of education in this seminary was truly enlightening.
Little did I know that my three-year stint at a seminary will enlighten me about the reality that there isn’t any heaven or hell or even a judgment day, where all human “souls” that ever existed on earth will get a fair trial based on their acts on earth. Although I topped my batch in grades, this shocking realization was very unpleasant and horrific. Because, this only meant that I have to struggle against all odds in the rat race filled with zombies-in-disguise pretending to be honest and caring. This was when I wished that I wasn’t born. But then it was too late. And to make matters worse, I knew that I just couldn’t make my ignorant parents realize that they unknowingly committed a crime – not once, but twice – and in the process complicated their own lives!
I have been separated from my wife since 14 years. My marriage failed because of multiple reasons, but at least I am not living a hypocritical life, by trying to pretend that “god will sustain my family”. Within two months of our marriage, my wife found out that she is pregnant. I reminded her that we agreed to stay childfree prior to the marriage, and that we have to get the fetus aborted immediately. Since we were living in our parent’s house at that time, my mother said that it would be unfair to reject and destroy “god’s gift”. My mother’s attitude gave moral support to my wife who in turn decided to take the risk. I realized that I shouldn’t have listened to my wife when she convinced me that it was safe to have intercourse during certain days, after the menstrual period ends, and that protection is not needed. At the time of writing this blog, my child – who I wish was not brought into existence – is 19 years old. The only respite, although I deeply regret that I caused the existence of a sentient being is that, my child has resolved to never get into wedlock and will remain childfree, until she ceases to exit. A couple of years after the birth of my child, my wife wanted to have another one so that the child will not have to survive alone. But I put my foot down and flatly refused. When my child was around 17, she asked me to help free her from her toxic and controlling mom. After I helped her to move out, my child battled with depression for almost two years, while trying to figure out what kind of an existence this is. Nowadays she is trying to keep herself busy and distracted from the horrific reality of existence.
I came across Antinatalism through Pratima Naik, the founder of Childfree India. While researching about other anti-procreative ideas, I chanced upon EFILism and instantly connected with Inmendham’s rebellious and straight-forward take on the unethical origin and evolution of life on earth. But what appealed to me even more, was the simplistic lifestyle of Inmendham. As a less privileged individual who was by then well aware of how class, caste, skin colour, gender, religion and culture dynamics work in the irreparably bigoted and corrupt society, Inmendhan’s EFILism was my weapon of rebellion and truth.
After being part of the global and domestic Antinatalism network, my communication style seems to have changed, to my own surprise! Like, when people begin conversing with the standard “Good Morning” and “How are you”, my instant response would be “Bad Morning” and “I am not doing fine”. If those that are taken back ask what’s wrong, they get to hear a 5-minute lecture on why life is meaningless and existence is pain. I even questioned my parents about why they did not alert me about the pitfalls of marriage and childbirth. All I got in return was silence. It would be an utter waste of time for me to expect them to read about class privilege and existential suffering, and realize their follies, at least before they die.
Sentient life on earth is not worth the risk at all, and Capitalism seems to ensure that the existential suffering of all species, in this politically-divided earth is greatly enhanced. Extinction for me is to indulge in wishful thinking. Voluntary Euthanasia is the dignified way out, and I believe only Marxist political thinkers will help legalize it, universally and unconditionally. I also hope that the existential suffering of individuals like me, can be greatly minimized, by means of removing food, healthcare, education and housing from the commodity list that is gambled for profits, while benefitting only a few.
This is how the suffering axis would look like to me:
End Suffering – Voluntary Euthanasia
Reduce Suffering – Marxism
Expose/Fight Suffering – Feminism
Avoid/Prevent Suffering – Non-procreation / Antinatalism
Enhance Suffering – Capitalism
Glorify Suffering – Religion / Fascism / Nationalism
Ignore Suffering – Fatalism / Superstition
Notice how Antinatalism is positioned right in the middle of this axis. While there is no doubt that Antinatalism helps avoid new life forms from being thrown into this modern consumerist cauldron, my mind is constantly anguished about the life forms that are struggling in this commoditized marketplace called Earth.
What should I do, to not only enlighten people about preventing suffering, but also help fight, reduce and end suffering, collectively? Will it help create awareness at least, if I talk on these topics on YouTube? Will creating an academic initiative on the Antinatalism International platform – Antinatalism Academy – motivate people to form collectives for change, in different parts of the world? What does it take to create policy change, so that critical thinking is taught at schools? These are some questions that are on my mind now. I am so glad that my fellow founders at Antinatalism International are passionate about tackling the suffering “pandemic” one step at a time. The task ahead is enormous, and the suffering is great. How I wish the human species uses the privilege of its evolved intelligence, and collectively adopt methods to reduce the suffering of all species, currently trapped in this mortal and unethical existence.
Antinatalism Academy is a program that intends to make Antinatalism an informed choice. I am hoping to launch this program in the near future, and it would be awesome if you can suggest topics that are crucial to the seekers. These seekers could be individuals who are questioning the purpose of their existence, and also those who know that they have made a smart choice but need a comprehensive response to silence their critics.
Please share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments section below. You can also reach me at anugrah@antinatalisminternational.com.
